FNF: Family v. Alcohol (A personal experience/advice/guidance)

Family v. Alcohol - A personal experience/advice/guidance from a friend helping a friend with alcoholism.

The past, and my regrets until now

My friend, we will call him Dan for the sake of this article, has been drinking a lot, to the point where everyone has noticed that it has migrated beyond just "i like booze" to an addiction, or alcoholism, or however you want to put it.

I've seen it coming since he moved back from the other side of the state for work.  I do not know what happened to him on the other side of our massive state, but something has pushed him over the edge and into a bottle.  I have mentioned it to him, my family has mentioned it to him, his family has mentioned it to him, and yet Dan just treats it as normal behavior and moves on.... but it's not normal.

My regrets are not speaking my mind about this until now.  I had a chance to speak my mind last year, and the year before when he got back from the other side of the state.  Now things have escalated, and observations have led me to believe my speaking would do no good.

Currently...

Currently, he is drunk every chance that we get to hang out.  Not a "little buzzed" but a lot of drunk.  Fortunately, he is not an overly violent drunk - at least from what i've observed - but when Dan is drunk he shows signs/symptoms of gaslighting people in his life, more specifically the blame shifting and the classic "you don't understand what I'm going through" high volume lectures at his immediate family, namely his wife and two eldest teen daughters.

Recently I've had a chance to speak with Dan's wife without Dan home, as his job takes him all over the state.  Over board games and dinner, my wife and I talked with Suzie about Dan.  She told me how his blatant lying and not caring about it when called out is a new habit for him both when he is sober and drunk.  I also mentioned a few habits Dan shows around me, namely asking me to be "Mr. Handyman" for his family when he isn't home.  We've come to the conclusion that trust isn't there anymore for whatever reason.  The subject of their eldest son, now out of the house came up.  He has his own drama going on, but with Dan's drinking, he doesn't come around the family like he used to.

I had a finer point discussion with my wife about Dan and Suzie.  They have been our family friends for over a decade.  We all consider ourselves as extended family to each other.  My wife and I discussed observations of both Dan and Suzie and come to the conclusion on just getting them to talk to each other.  I'm not sure if they need to have a moderator or not, but they definitely need to talk it out sober.  

One other point I've observed is Dan's consumption during work.  You read that right.  He has snuck a drink or two on the regular while at work.  Dan's job involves professional driving.  Dan's job involves being social with people.  Dan should not be drunk at all while doing this.  Dan is one of the safety guys at work - and I think this 'knowledge' about alcohol has given him a power trip to 'hide it' because 'he knows better than his bosses and others about drunk driving.'

Going forward...

When he returns from some extended work trips near the end of the week,  I intend on approaching him to discuss his drinking habits.  Dan and I are in our 40s.  Rapid on-set alcohol addiction is not normal behavior for either of us.  I intend to start there.

I also intend on blowing his email up with links to seeking help to curb this.  Maybe he needs to go see AA.  Maybe he needs to extended counseling.  Perhaps he needs something else.  I'm not 100% sure what I'm going to send him to his inbox, but I'll send something.

What I want to do, but don't really believe is right to do, is either reach out to his current supervisor or find a way to reach out to his current shrink.  I'm familiar with his job and just mentioning drunk driving to his supervisor WILL cost him his career - a career he has built over a decade since Dan left the military.

Advice for others...

If you know someone who you suspect has an addiction of any kind, whether it be like Dan and alcohol, or an addiction to drugs, video games, technology, cellphone, etc. ENCOURAGE THEM TO GET HELP!  

Do not wait for things to spiral out of control beyond perceivable repair

Do not wait for family members to lose trust with each other

If they don't want to get help, don't rest on your laurels like I did.  I watched it unfold and feel guilty about not stepping in sooner.  Injecting myself and my will into other peoples' lives goes against my better nature, but sometimes it needs to happen.

IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO STEP IN AND HELP.